My Lens 005: Self Confidence
Self confidence can be something that is hard for some people. It’s hard because it’s difficult to teach. If you praise a kid when they’re younger to build them up, in my opinion there’s a tipping point. This tipping point is when your praise and compliments aren’t as helpful. This means your praise either doesn’t mean the same to that person because they’ve come to expect it from you or they now rely on compliments from others for confidence. So then how is this solved?
Often, this praise is based on outward achievement: scoring a goal in a soccer game, getting an “A” on a test, or you really like their new outfit. These are the easiest compliments to give because there are physical results. It requires almost no effort to do these things. In that person’s eyes it’s also easiest to see what you’re giving praise for. The real praise comes in giving meaningful praise about someone’s trait which isn’t outward. Like when someone has a really positive attitude regarding a negative situation. For example, your friend has to work on a project with a classmate they don’t like. So you say to them, “It was really cool the way you were able to put your differences aside so you could work with them.” So if we teach self confidence based on inward traits and behaviors that is going to be better at teaching self confidence than outward traits.
The real reason people get upset or disappointed can be simplified to 2 issues. Issue 1, you compare yourself to someone else and they appear to be doing “better” than you. Issue 2, you have expectations for yourself and they aren’t met. Let’s get issue 2 out of the way first. Unmet expectations lead to the most disappointment with self confidence, relationships, jobs, and just about anything else. When you’re applying for a job you already have an expectation of what it’ll be like when you get the job. Whether or not this idea is accurate is unknown until you start. So, if you expect yourself to lose 10 pounds in 3 months and that doesn’t happen you’re going to question your abilities. This questioning can often spiral and lead you to wonder if it’s even worth trying at all. This is when outside help is actually good. If you only lost 3 pounds and you confide in your best friend, they can give you that boost to keep trying. “You may not have reached your goal but, you did lose 3 pounds!”
Back to issue 1, comparing and judging in regards to others. It’s impossible to not do this but, it’s not impossible to catch yourself in the act. Have you ever been at restaurant and your friend orders a cheeseburger? In your head you say, “Do they really need that?” It’s bad but, we’ve all been there. This kills self confidence because you see someone post on Instagram and they look amazing in that dress or you see that guy with the killer abs. Then, you look at yourself and you think, “Why can’t I have that?” It’s okay to post those pictures when you feel amazing about yourself and you aren’t fishing for compliments. But, you don’t have to feel bad if someone else is doing well! You can’t compare apples to oranges!
No 2 people have lived exactly the same life just like no 2 people are exactly the same. You have no clue how hard that person worked to achieve. Just know this, no one else will have the same path to success that you will. This just means you get to tell your own unique story.
In the end, the ONLY comparison you can make is against YOURSELF yesterday. If you are better than you were yesterday, you’re improving. If you’re improving then all improvements will compound. So just try to be better than yesterday and it’ll happen for you, I promise.
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